the author as pantomime artist

I guess I felt really lousy on Friday when I found out about the pre-u sem interview results. It's not like it meant the whole world to me but I feel as if I've been severed blow by blow with news of the disappointing and damning sort all the time. And the worst part is remembering walking out of that room feeling as if I did my best, because this obviously means that I may be screwing up interviews without even realising it and that is obviously not a good thing.

So I slept early and had this dream about being trapped in a faulty elevator that was plunging down a thousand stories. I was the only survivor because the other guy killed himself by slamming his head on the walls to knock out himself cold in a desperate attempt to remove himself from the impending doom.

Anyway all this talk about God's plans for me me me; I have to confess that even I can get cynical about the whole deal - I don't exactly see myself looking back and saying how everything worked out because you can always reflect about the past and create your own interpretation of a certain sequence of events and then somehow impose your own meaning onto it.

However as I look back now I'm somehow clinging on to hope on how he works because this morning I discovered that CAP's on the exact dates as pre-u sem. And I'd rather be stuck in NUS with CAP than pre-u sem. Although this would mean that I would first have to get through with my portfolio and somehow gain their acceptance with my humble offerings.

So I don't really know how to describe how I've been feeling all this time. I've been feeling mainly zoned out and plugged out of reality and creating my own morbid Bell Jar-esque fantasy starting from the point where Esther Greenwood plunges into a state of depression following a series of disparaging events that included a rejection letter from a university course that she wanted, and assumed would be able, to attend. I fear this might end me up in a mental institution that happens to be the IMH which is not as cool-sounding as the institutions in the book.