I feel terrible. To reach me, please call 9299999996BDJS&778, ext. 2386666-WOE-877 and you may enumerate all my shortcomings there. Please drop me a line! Or perhaps tomorrow will be a better day and I'll find additional reasons to exist more compliantly with the world.

rare narrative

I have organized this year's CNY takings into a neat table (complete with a bar graph!!), so right now I feel like the Demigod of Information Management.

The Weekend in Review

Friday: There was a typhoon in the West. After winning a bowling prize (!) I went home, sat around and bummed, read a book (I forgot what else I did) (oh yeah I ran in the evening, and while doing cool-downs, this little girl asked her parents why I was bending over like that, that tiny bitch)

Saturday: Had "soft bone chicken" and "red miso ramen" for dinner before watching Wicked in the evening; was gifted a bag of artisanal espresso beans by my favorite people; yes it was a good day. 

Sunday: After church, had lunch at Taiwanese place which left us hungrier; slept like a pig before being woken up for CNY dinner; forgot everything that happened from 7 pm to 9 am the next morning.

Monday: CNY at the mom's side (say YES to pork belly nirvana!), declared lunch "the only meal I'm having today", guilt run at night

Tuesday: Lowbrow breakfast watching ABA eat this mysterious sandwich from LJS, purchased The Mind's Eye by Oliver Sacks and this collection of Umberto Eco's essays on literature from Booksactually, felt good inside for supporting an independent bookstore and publisher, went to SMW's to graze on gourmet sausages, breadsticks with exotic dips, salad with this Japanese sesame dressing that heaven bestowed upon humankind, said Hi to a very pale MX who had flown in earlier from Bali, went home and laughed at Sister because she had school the next day.

Wednesday: Woke up for a run around the park, visited Page One, felt a little sad that it was closing but also glad because the wavy shelves had a way with making me feel quite queasy (especially with the waterfront view), bumped into L my fun crazy senior from the days of yore, L demanded I recommend some good books so I was like "Yes Fitzgerald's good", bought a book about early 20th century feminist anarchism and Jude the Obscure, endured a train ride with a mainlander talking at 200000 dB next to my year. 

Back to work tomorrow, sigh. After which, it's preparation for an audition (!) and the SATs (!!). In all honesty, I do like that I have things to keep me near the level of Crazy Busy, just like the good old days.

self esteem

Self Esteem: Jenny Slate 
Directed by Dean Fleischer-Camp
Written by Dean Fleischer-Camp & Jenny Slate & Gabe Liedman

"Is this water? I haven't had my dinner yet, so — Oh! Is this, is this — Yes that's him. That's him. Look at him! I really like how he kind of crosses his legs while he types at the desk? But doesn't really cross his legs? I think it's also really poetic how the light's kind of diffused in the dark and hits his face like that. He used to have this acne problem when I first met him but he's got it under control."

"I wonder what sort of... cleanser? Moisturizer? Facial product? I wonder what sort of facial product he uses."

"I don't know, I remember him telling me about this exfoliator, I don't know. But he was always like, 'You should try this peach stone scrub' and I'm like, OK! But I never really got the chance to find it at the store."

"I think he's come back from a run. I'm not being presumptuous, I'm just observing that he's really perspiring a lot. Maybe he—"

"He sweats a lot but it's very... cleansing? He's a very clean person. He's not really attractive, but he's clean."

"I'm OK with clean guys."

"And I bet he's read, like, all the books recommended by Modern Library. I can tell this from his weird glasses but also because he's kind of like sitting — not "sitting" sitting, but, like, half-sitting — on a copy of A Barthes Reader, like he's read them all and is very tired of the world."

"I think he's very tired of existing but he still does it because people need him and he has a generous heart. How old is he? 19? 20?"

"I forgot, but it's not important because he's, like, simultaneously young and old so he doesn't care about age, he just needs to dress right."

"Does he smoke? I mean, he sounds very artistic, it's quite intimidating, so I thought naturally he would be smoking, like, because he's tired of life. Like, because he needs to alienate people because that's the normal, natural thing to do if you're an artist, especially —"

"You know, I'm not sure if he does? But I don't think he does. Doesn't he look like Allen Ginsberg, or Fred Armisen? It's crazy because he's this weird Asian version of them, I'm not so sure. I need him."

"I need him too."

"We need him."

etc.

blog memes like it's freakin' 2007 homies!!

Open your Music, and hit Shuffle, and write the artist and the title of the song, next to each question.

Soundtrack of your life

Opening Credits: Midnight Train To Georgia - (The 30 Rock version)

Waking Up Scene: Little Bird - Goldfrapp

Car Driving Scene: The Best Days - The Softies

High School Flashback Scene: Sharon - Yeah Jazz

Nostalgic Scene: Enjoy The Silence - Depeche Mode (... ooh!!)

Bitter, Angry Scene: Edge Of The World - Sam Phillips

Break-up Scene: Les Femmes - Yelle

Agony scene: Undertow - Stars

Regret Scene: Magic - Girls

Nightclub/Bar Scene: Margarine Rock - Stereolab

Fight/Action Scene: 100 Years From Now - Karen Elson

Lawn Mowing Scene: Hey Tiger - Dear Nora

Sad, breakdown scene: Friday I'm In Love - The Cure

Death Scene: Wet Stuff - The Folk Implosion

Funeral Scene: Return To Patagonia - Lemon Jelly

Mellow/Pot-smoking Scene: Kaleidoscope - Ringo Deathstarr (again, ooh!!)

Dreaming About Someone Scene: My - Okay (this is a good one-man sband)

Sex Scene: The Birds They Circle - Karen Elson

Contemplation Scene: Blood Bank - Bon Iver

Chase Scene: Fancy - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Happy Love Scene: Hey moon! - Molly Nilsson

Happy Friend Scene: All In The Way - Slumber Party

Closing Credits: Slow and Strong - Dear Nora

blog memes like it's freakin' 2007 homies!!

1) Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle mode.
2) For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3) YOU MUST WRITE THE SONG NAME DOWN, NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4) Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5) Tag 6 people.
-------------------------------------------------------
1. Are you male or female?
Marathon - Tennis

2. Describe yourself.
Since You Went Away - Dear Nora

3. What do people feel when they're around you?
Brunettes - COOLRUNNINGS 

This is true on a superficial level. They feel they are in the presence of a brunette. An Asian brunette!!

4. Describe your current relationship.
You Make My Dreams - Hall & Oates

My relationship with my imaginary cat, Smiley Muffin, that is!

5. Where would you like to be now?
La valse d'Amélie - Yann Tiersen

This is also true

6. How do you feel about love?
Innerspace - The Apples In Stereo

7. What's your life like?
You Can't Force A Dance Part - Dent May & His Magnificent Ukulele 

This is also true. Lyrics: "No one in this party's having any fun tonight, and I'd do anything just to make it alright."

8. What would you ask for if you only had one wish?
More Real - The Necessaries

9. If someone says "Is this okay?", what would you say?
The Party - St Vincent

Now this is interesting, because this question reminds me of Annie Clark. 

Lyrics: "Oh there aren't enough hands to point all the fingers"

10. How would you describe yourself?
Lump Sum - Bon Iver
"Lump" is accurate

11. What do you like in a guy/girl?
Down Down Down - Rob Lord

I was SO IN LOVE with this song back in '06. Good times!

12. How do you feel today?
The Big Fight - Stars

I feel a sense of harmony with the cosmos, or whatever, so this is odd.

13. What do your friends think of you?
Rose Hip November - Vashti Bunyan

Nice! I guess I am the token hippie in my circle of friends. Pass me my hemp twine that I may set up a clothesline for my freshly-dyed indigo fabrics, will ya?

14. What do you think of your parents?
Don't Lie - The Mantles

This is such a great song, you guys!! I hope my parents didn't lie to me about my birth, the reason for my very being, the truth of this plane of existence, the importance of arithmetic, etc.

15. What do you think about very often?
The Broken Paper-Heart Club - Princess Niko

16. What is 2+2?
Saddest Things - The Lil' Hospital

17. What do you think of the person you like?
You Can't Hurry Love - The Supremes

It's is a catchy song

18. What is your life story?
All The Young Dudes - Mott the Hoople
"All the young duuuuuudes, carry the ne-eeeewwwwwsss"

19. What do you want to be when you grow up?
It's All A Dream - The Arrogants

20. What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Still - Moscow Olympics

21. What will you dance to during your wedding?
Found Out - Caribou

22. What will they play at your funeral?
I'm The One - The Average White Band

23. What is your biggest fear?
Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing - Laura Nyro

24. What is your hobby/interest?
A Word Of A Friend - The Occasional Flickers

25. What do you think of your friends?
The Sky Turns To Black - Fireflies

notes about a weekend

Wicked vs. Wide Sargasso Sea: Notes for myself

Both re-imagine and rewrite a canonical text to expose its inherent parochialism, but to slightly different ends. Wide Sargasso Sea is obviously equal parts postcolonial and feminist because the feminine-masculine and colonized-colonizer dichotomies work together to produce a work that challenges a particular literary tradition. This contestation is quite political in nature.

But Wicked responds to The Wizard Of Oz in a manner that is satiric but ultimately comedic. It approaches postcolonialism obliquely, via general ideas about minority voices and their oppression. It probably can be considered to contain a more mordant feminist agenda by way of its portrayal of sisterhood (and its complexities), consideration of femininity and conventions of beauty, and the political agency of women for emancipation embodied in Elphaba's struggle in Ozian society counterpointing the imperfections in Nessarose's political office (I can't believe I just typed that sentence). But these concerns are merely instrumental in crystallizing some fundamental problems in meta-ethics: that there isn't a perfect empirical basis to determine "the good", and that the determination of "the good" is made by the bases of power.

(OK. I just wanted to share what I thought after watching Wicked yesterday night. BTW do I still have friends?)

I suck at reading books

I suck at reading books because I have no attention span to speak of. At least I can still finish my sentences. But there are too many distra—oh look I have two pdf articles open

CNY "issues"

I have eaten four pineapple tarts today, but have not yet reached pineapple tart nirvana. This happens when the jam has adequate caramelization and the pastry is crumbly but not too crumbly. See also: red chile flakes go quite OK with pineapple jam. 

What is the "right" way to excuse yourself from proper company when you need to zap some bak kwa in the microwave because you want to make crispy bak kwa cones to fill with ice cream? How do I politely refuse a guest's request to try one?

Friends they are jewels twice as beautiful and few

I was reading the handwritten things my bestest friends ever (like, I want to travel into the future and give your offspring hugs and expensive toys) wrote, and I felt pretty OK inside <-- understatement of the century!

Why yes that is an Iron and Wine song, thanks for asking.

dramatic

SPOTLIGHT ON STAGE LEFT

Actor who looks like me is sitting on a bar stool, turned away from the light

I wish I had something remotely insightful to say here, but I have nothing. Sorry guys! I have nothing. Go read Retweetings or rip off some dubious philosophy quote. I guess it's the truth if it makes sense to you. I am a vacuum and nature abhors a vacuum. 

The sound of trains passing

LIGHT DIMS

sorghum

Just popped some pills. Hopefully I'll be fast asleep by the end of this post. (More hopefully, this thing should get itself published.)

Medical centre life now is quite happening, in a good way. There's this SYF-like competition among medical centres, and one of the components involves a simulation of a medical emergency, in which we evacuate an unconscious casualty back to the medical centre and attempt resuscitation. It's really fun because almost everyone's involved and there's a feeling of satisfaction (that is, of course, misplaced. But it's a feeling of satisfaction nonetheless.) I'm part of the ambulance team consisting of my senior and I, and despite feeling carsick every day at the back of the vehicle, with random medical equipment flying in all directions when we hit speed bumps, I think I am enjoying myself. It's overwhelmingly reminiscent of rehearsals, particularly that nostalgic combination of mental fatigue and physical strain. 

It misses the point of assessing emergency preparedness because it's entirely contrived, with an artificial scenario that oversimplifies the panic, confusion and mental preparation of an actual situation, but hey it's fun so who cares?

quinoa

My mailbox sucks because I get shit like "@acidrefluxtreatment is now following you on Twitter" and I haven't had, like, decent conversation in a long time wherein I feel comfortable enough to be equal parts self deprecating and self important, and my spectacle lenses are fogged up with raindrops and dirt but I can't be arsed to wipe them clean, and I am thinking of the sky and trying to remember it, how it looks when I am finally, for once, happy. 

I haven't read a poem that makes me go Yes This Speaks The Truth in a very long time, and in that same expanse of time, I haven't encountered an idea which I think novel and awesome. 

Actually I feel amazing right now because my parents love the garlic scape pesto I made and they're supportive of my quinoa-eating habit. After that they sliced me naval oranges and left pink grapefruit lemonade for my supper. Wow, affirmation really goes a long way!

In other news, I have just learnt of a piece of information that now compels me to re-evaluate my impressions of people (I mean this in a neutral, objective way) and myself, in relation to time and age and maturity and the future, etc. and this is not the platform to explicitly broadcast my thoughts in detail, but I'll be happier to discuss the general ideas behind such developments, and on a more fruitful level, what our limited perceptions say about our direct and indirect experiences of humanity. 

I'm also reading To The Lighthouse currently, which puts me in an annoying modernist-introspective-complexity of fractured vision and experience-streams of consciousness-EVERYTHING mood. Example of a sentence: "As he gazed out to the sea — the flow and ebb of the waves, eating up the land a bit at a time, what a lark, what a plunge — the curtains shifted, woven in the warm summer air, without the gentleness, kindness even, of a breeze etc. etc. etc."

perennials

I made it to the age of 20! Had I lived in Victorian London, I would probably be dead, or at least coughing myself to death, by now. Oh wait I AM coughing myself to death. Isn't that ironic? Isn't it ironic that I didn't locate the irony before labelling this an ironic situation? Isn't irony dead, or at least assimiliated so fully into daily life, that even our existence is an uncanny and conceptually strange condition that some might label... ironic?

Just kidding! I meant nothing of what I said earlier! However, I am sincere about the statement, "I made it to the age of 20!" because in the years preceding this even before conception, I had many close brushes with an abrupt and tragic end. For example, I had once choked on a pineapple sweet, and somone held me upside down by my ankles to shake it out. I always get flashbacks of this even as I, against my better judgement, ride on roller coasters, because G-forces are very reminiscent of this near-death experience. (Interesting, however, that G-forces thrill because they ARE near-death experiences in themselves.) Take another instance - while holidaying with my family, I swam to the deep end and promptly began to drown. My dad was a swimming champion in his youth, and this is why I am not in a vegetal state today, narrating my life's misfortunes through a feeding tube and an Eighties Macintosh voice.On a more fundamental level, my mom nearly resigned herself to a life of childlessness ("barren" is a really harsh word! But it's funny because of the agricultural connotation. Am I alienating you with my humour?) but then she had me. Also, of course, who can forget the time I was rudely hit by a car while running across the road in the dark of night? Being wheeled around the A&E was so much fun. Hospital gowns are comfy!

Birthdays are weird! It's like an anniversary of your birth, and there's cake, AND THERE ARE CANDLES ON THE CAKE (WHO THOUGHT OF THAT?), and people clap as they sing the birthday song while staring at you, and every time they sing that song my mind is infused with an awareness that it's copyrighted, and then I start to think about intellectual property and public history and the cultural consciousness of mankind, and before you know it, someone's helping me up from the ground. It's just really weird.

what

As usual, the new year snuck up on me like a thief in the night. 

I spent the last evening of 2011 talking to my childhood friends over dessert. Sat in the car and looked up at the sky through the sunroof. Had conversations about how we're growing up, our new and different responsibilities and challenges, the awkward situation of being simultaneously young and old, etc.. I kept quiet, mostly, because there wasn't much to add but resignation and introspection — that is not to say that these things are of little value. I am still young and still new to articulating these feelings of age accurately and precisely. At the same time, in equal measure, I was honestly perturbed by the time I'd lost in 2011. I would have done so many things differently. 

What I want to say is: I am not ready for this, this mountain of decisions, decisions about decisions, meta meta meta decisions... It isn't decision-making per se that I loathe, but making these decisions in a tangled web of information and misinformation, the plurality of opinions, doubt about the future and my aptitude, blah blah blah. Everything I had taken for-granted — academic interests, relationships, career preferences, cost of living, even my own priorities in life — seemed to undergo a seismic shift so gradual that its miniscule changes went undetected for over a year, only to spring a surprise in the silent spaces of contemplation with nary a warning nor apology. 

This is both a good thing and a bad thing. What is that thing Emerson said about experience? I'm too lazy to look it up now, Google Chrome search bar be damned. But I am certainly thankful for this year's experiences. I've felt stupid, brilliant, careless, patient, angry, depressed, hopeful, joyful, self-righteous, self-deprecating, humorless, loved, lonely, annoyed, confused, cruel, lost, and the complete list will span the rest of your screen, but I am thankful for all these experiences, all these emotions, and perhaps only in this can I say that I do not regret personhood and the lived experience of the mundane and the extraordinary. And I do like sharing this space in my life with you.

my reverse psychology new year's resolutions in the passive aggressive mode

(adapted from a friend)

1. Get to know my friends and family better? As if I'll really start talking to that "weird part of my extended family." LOL @ self. 
2. EXTEND MY ORD BECAUSE I LIKE THE PAIN.
3. Expunge all desire to learn driving because I want to make Singapore's roads a safer place for git children, those lil' turds.
4. Preserve my current personhood by freezing all skill levels.  
5. Make less friends! Making friends this year really drained my energy. Friends are overrated! Most of them are spambots anyway! 
6. Act douchier: wear Ed Hardy trucker caps non-ironically, hang out at Abercrombie, objectify women in the guise of postfeminist critique, etc.
7. Run away from marathons 
8. Get totally fat. Actually, no, get totally obese. It's cool to be obese now. Not kidding!!! Really I'm not kidding. Why would I kid myself? FAT UP.

Have a blessed new year!