my reverse psychology new year's resolutions in the passive aggressive mode

(adapted from a friend)

1. Get to know my friends and family better? As if I'll really start talking to that "weird part of my extended family." LOL @ self. 
2. EXTEND MY ORD BECAUSE I LIKE THE PAIN.
3. Expunge all desire to learn driving because I want to make Singapore's roads a safer place for git children, those lil' turds.
4. Preserve my current personhood by freezing all skill levels.  
5. Make less friends! Making friends this year really drained my energy. Friends are overrated! Most of them are spambots anyway! 
6. Act douchier: wear Ed Hardy trucker caps non-ironically, hang out at Abercrombie, objectify women in the guise of postfeminist critique, etc.
7. Run away from marathons 
8. Get totally fat. Actually, no, get totally obese. It's cool to be obese now. Not kidding!!! Really I'm not kidding. Why would I kid myself? FAT UP.

Have a blessed new year!