There are no words left.

It was mentioned that it's not supposed to affect my MCT preparations, but you'll need a heart of stone to feel nothing, and I'm glad I'm still flesh pulsating wild. There are many ways to cope but I'll just pray and pray and pray because it's all I can do.

Normally I can do lit essays in one sitting, but after writing the introduction everything feels so half-assed that I am sitting around feeling so mindfucked that I can't even read a dumb magazine properly. This is a stupid crummy post, but please know this: I'm OK but also not OK, I've forgotten how it felt like to be happy without feeling pain, I have discovered how ill-prepared I am to deal with grief, and I don't want to be consoled I just need people to be There.

And if I truly believe that there's no fear in death because we're saved through Christ, what's there to be upset about? I'm supremely thankful for the family I have but they are the only constants I love love love in my life everything else used to be only temporal. Call me selfish but I don't want to lose them, I want to be the one who goes first because I cannot fully comprehend life with one missing like men cannot fully comprehend eternity.

So although I'm screwed for next week, I'm going to place all my trust in God to sustain me through despite seeing her weaken in hospital and seeing everyone progress steadily crazily cuz all this is immaterial to me now and I don't know why it feels vulgar to revise with this going on it's supposed to be fine.

ok so I guess there are still some words left in me, such relief.