ooh

also-ran

So anyway I've been vacillating from abject despair to jocular carefree abandon today. Thanks for the kind words. I left school early, had a mocha latte at Café Galilee (fetid) while reading the essay Regarding the Torture of Others and yearning, desperately, to die young. Had Ben and Jerry's for lunch (it was execrable). Then I read some Barthes, accidently fell asleep, and went to visit my grandfather. He can't speak properly, and tried gesturing, but the tubes held him back. He has also forgotten how to spell. I shall read him the papers tomorrow when I visit, and then have lunch at Popeye's, crying into the mashed potato and Southern chili. (Not.) Soon he will forget his son, his grandchildren, his wife, his name... and then the world will become an extension of the self, which will dissolve into the world, which will be reduced to the sepia-spotted photographs, which I will touch, but find that the past's smiling communique in Konica colour is empty, lonely, desperate.

words

a stupid but necessary rant after the jump

foreheads

So while this song was stuck on replay in my head, I rushed my grandfather to the hospital in an ambulance, weaved in and out of traffic, and am now feeling like the rest of this week is going to be a very violent farce. I found him on the floor when I got home at lunchtime with my grandmother beside him, who coolly informed me that he had been sprawled on the ground since 9 AM and wouldn't get up. That's four hours on the floor. Have some porridge, she told me. And I'm like, Good thinking, Grandma.

fiction and complexity

Foods consumed today:

1) Greek yoghurt and maple syrup
2) An awesome bowl of lontong
3) Half a chicken breast sub
4) An apple strudel that turned out to be strawberry, with scoops of Dreyer's toasted almond ice cream.
5) A third of a somewhat plump custard apple
6) Seaweed Saltines
7) Spaghetti tossed in pesto
8) Wild mushrooms and cream soup
9) Grilled portobello mushrooms with sea salt
10) A naked garden salad
11) Baked salmon
12) Ben & Jerry's Peanut Butter Cups

I've managed to eat only delicious things! *\O/*

(And now I'm listening to an interview with Sontag on her novel The Volcano Lover. Love her, sigh.)

Gotta love the green line for its weirdos. (Alternatively, she could be a deranged JC tutor.)

"poufs"

I have decided: after the A levels are done, I'm going to Kinokuniya to buy a book of SAT practice tests as a sort of sadistic reward for myself. And then, I'll amass a decent collection of Sontag's works — already, I have Regarding the Pain of Others, On Photography, and At The Same Time. I've already read Against Interpretation and Styles of Radical Will, but I still don't own the books. (*BIRTHDAY PRESENT HINT ALERT*) I want to read AIDS and Its Metaphors, but I'm apprehensive about starting on her fiction for the same reason why I haven't touched Ayn Rand's books yet. (I chickened out on Atlas Shrugged and read an anthology of love poems curated by Duffy; please stop berating me for Cowardice Of The Intellect.)

After which, I will bake a cake, brush up on Friends trivia en route to Melbourne, and actually start to seriously think about what I want to do when I grow up. At the moment, the future feels too distant and made-up. Life with a buzz cut feels like a lamentable state of affairs, but NS life to me is still shrouded with myth and mystery. Studying in college feels like a happy dream that's just as nebulous and elusive. In fact, I cannot conceive of life with the post-prelims timetable until it actually happens on Monday.

Additionally, I've also decided to apply for baptism, which will probably be held end-November. I've no issue with getting wet. I'm just a little nervous about appearing in front of everyone who has seen me grow up since I was a strange amorphous thing articulated only by my parents' joy, and declaring, in the rite and ritual of Protestant ordinances, my beliefs. I know that ordinances are not necessary to have a relationship with God, so why harp on baptism so much? I'm guessing that instituting outward expressions of faith is fundamental to the strength of the church, and there is an inherent assumption that institutions anchor and govern. I'll write more about that sooner or later, prelim results permitting... D:

Oh, do come if you wanna see me get baptized, even if you're polytheistic/monotheistic but skeptical of Judeo-Christian religions/staunchly atheist/staunchly apathetic. Think of it as a chance for participant-observation in a non-denominational independent church slightly divergent from the modern megachurch, and filled with nice people with opinions of their own. We study the Bible without becoming Bible-thumpers ourselves, occasionally find humour in the rhyme schemes of old hymns (feminine rhymes in an a-a-b-b structure anyone?), and Quran-burning is certainly frowned-upon. :)

shrine

Omg — skip the first half of the clip to see Susan Sontag speak (and ignore Jack Kroll and Agnes Varda). In an average Hollywood movie, she declares, you don't see real people (whether mainstream people or marginal people), you see ideas that people have about what people are supposed to be or the way people are supposed to be represented— (here, to my annoyance, Varda interrupts.)

Also, allow me to gush about the incredible sangfroid she possesses while coolly lighting a cigarette at 1:57 and then leaning back resplendently on the armchair at 2:02. In a cloud of tranquility so gauzy and diaphanous, she turns her head to face Varda at 3:00 with a gaze that is at once so intense and disinterested that it kills me. If, hypothetically, I were Agnes Varda, I would just die. In a bowl-cut and a floral minidress, no less.

Additionally, Terry Castle wrote about Susan in the London Review of Books. She regards Robert Walser as required reading (we could have been friends!), is friends with Marina Abramovic (but of course), and says things like "Don't you loathe academics as much as I do? How can you abide it?" Reading these, I'm like, Terry, G.T.F.O. (in jest of my own envy, obviously.)

Alas, I am twice removed from the lady I fanboy about all the time: she prefers other women, and she's been dead for nearly six years now.

rachmaninov

there's dust in your mouth and poems in the air

This morning, I tried to ward off an existential crisis through the act of creation. I made baba ghanoush and very rustic oregano flatbread for brunch. What's baba ghanoush, you may ask, and why is it grey and lumpy? Besides being the name of my future grey tabby, (along with Smiley Muffin and Smooches DeLuca my other two feline minions), baba ghanoush is a Middle Eastern dish made with mashed roasted eggplant, garlic and tahini. Since my dad came home yesterday with the Greek yoghurt my sister seemed crazy about, I added that in too for good measure. It's a little lumpy because I couldn't be arsed to haul out a food processor, and it's grey because I used unhulled tahini from the health foods section of some glitzy upper middle class grocery place. 

In other news, I am spending an inordinate proportion of my allowance on books. That I will actually read. Good/Bad?

this is me stuck in the same room with Glee showing

Also, this is me after prelims: the box I am entrapped in teases me with mirages of possible futures, while the present only seizes me with an abject horror I can't quite explain. It's similar to the feeling of looking in the mirror, and finding your reflection surprisingly both familiar and unfamiliar, and the feeling is akin to that of the Uncanny. It's not scary and I'm not going mad, but it fills you with a sense of disquiet, sometimes even grief, because the past is gone and all you have is this, yourself. This metaphorical box does not occupy physical space, but it contains and constrains in very palpable ways.

(the painting is Head VI by Francis Bacon)

contemporary world history meets fabulousity

I KNOW, I KNOW, IT'S WEIRD FOR BOYS TO BLOG ABOUT SHOES (BECAUSE CONVENTION DICTATES THAT WE MUST ONLY TALK ABOUT LFD/DOTA/MEGAN FOX/CARS/TECHNOLOGY/SHOOTING HOOPS/FIGURE SKATINGLOLJUSTKIDDING), BUT RIGHT NOW I'M STRESSED AND SCREWED UP SO UNHEALTHY AND FINANCIALLY UNSOUND DECISIONS CURRENTLY PREVAIL

SO - 

I SHALL PICK SHOES THAT MAKE GOOD POINTS OF DEPARTURE FOR THOUGHTS ABOUT VARIOUS THEMES/TOPICS IN INTERNATIONAL HISTORY IN THE VAIN HOPE OF RECONCILING ANXIETY WITH (WHATEVER SHADOW OF) PRODUCTIVITY:

Clarks Wallabees: I believe this shoe was crafted after the original desert boots that British soldiers wore. Desert... Middle East... Israel... Role of the British in the rise of 1st Arab Israeli War... Peel Commission... End of the British Mandate in Palestine... spasms. UN Partition Plan, Jewish lobby in the US, terrorist Zionist groups (example: blowing up of King David Hotel), Nasser, Sadat and Egypt. Also, the extension of the conflict, from a Arab-Israeli based one to a PA-Israeli one to a rejectionist PLO-Jewish Fundamentalism one (??? ok I guess that's pushing the limits of marxist history) Peace Accords: UN Resolution 242, 338. Camp David '78, Camp David '00, Oslo Accords gah. Armed conflict: '48,  '67, '73.

Because of the One-For-One philosophy advocated by TOMS, and the imagined poor it benefits, I'm going to loosely relate this to the rise of the Third World in the Global Economy. E.g. Latin American debt crisis, MNCs, the entrenchment of their developmental status by the BWS, Debt Forgiveness?, capital flight in Asia, Washington Consensus (2000) and the deepening of poverty (through cutting back government spending and agricultural protectionism in the North/West), growth rates of 2.5%

These Onitsuka Tigers are Japanese, so obviously it's going to remind me of the Rise (and Decline!) of the Japanese economy. "THE REASONS FOR ITS RISE LAID DOWN THE SEEDS OF FAILURE." DISCUSSSSSS. The Dodge Line after WWII (role of US and international circumstances i.e. the Cold War, Korean War), depoliticisation/pacifism and the concentration on economic development, Effectiveness of economic policies, PMs Yoshida, Ikeda, zaibatsu, keiretsu, low consumption rate, high savings, large amounts of liquidity for investment borrowing, bad loans and bursting of property bubble, changing Japanese demographic (and demand for services like healthcare), structural changes, rising cost of labour, rise of more competitive economies e.g. Eastern Europe, China. Random decontextualised examples: Mazda, Mistubushi, Sumitomo, Yasuda, Mitsui, etc.

Dr Martens are from Germany. Which calls to mind the German Question, and the Cold War! I need to stop screwing up essays about the Berlin Blockade.  Rise of the Cold War: Militarisation of the Cold War (NATO and the Warsaw Pact), before that, Political rivalry (Atlantic Treaty, Kennan Long Telegram, Riga Axiom, containment policies, Soviet Comecon and Cominform), Economic dimension (Atlantic Charter), misreading of political action, Iron Curtain speech etc. etc.

OK, this oxford by Tom Ford looks like it came from the cast of Mad Men, and knowing that the show is set in the 1960's, you need to talk about the Cuban Missile Crisis. (Alternatively, I could link this to Ford's directorial debut, A Single Man, in which the Cuban Missile Crisis was briefly mentioned on a radio somewhere.) Extension of Cold War: Intensification of conflict from the Korean War, Castro, Khruschev, Kennedy, NSC 68, Jupiter Missiles in Turkey, IRBMs + Cuba = ICBMs, prelude to Détente, (but still the intensification of arms race and the stabilising of tensions)

After hearing about how these supremely awesome Pop Art-inspired Pumas were conceived (they borrowed from Roy Liechtenstein's graphic novel aesthetic), one can only appreciate their postmodernist deliciousness in relation to the end of the Cold War and the fall of stablising bipolar structures — the plurality and multiplicity of conflicts (localised or regional), asymmetric warfare (terrorism, 1993 WTC bombings) the blowing up of conflicts once contained by the Cold War (Afghanistan), Nuclear fears (fall of Soviet Union and the sudden creation of small, new, and poor states with nuclear capabilities), NPT (included most powers in 1992), Nuclear Test Ban Treaty (1996), the rise and intensification of religious fundamentalism etc. etc.

I like how this strappy shoe is reminiscent of a straightjacket, in both colour and in form. This is much like a visual metaphor for Gorbachev's strapped-up situation in relation to the internal rot within the USSR (economic inefficiencies, debt and the Andropov Secret Report, New Political Thinking, Glasnost, Perestroika, Democratisation, Sinatra Doctrine, settlement of the Yalta question, Reagan and the Second Cold War as catalyst factors.

This avant-garde Marc Jacobs sneaker might go well with harem pants and an asymmetrical-cut, all-black salwar kameez. Hey, whaddya know? That happens to be traditional Indian dressing (from Punjab I believe — a cultural region straddling the India-Pakistan border, according to Wikipedia.) Speaking of the I-P conflict, one is reminded the Simla Accords, the Kashmiri Accords, the Kargil Nuclear Crisis, of which the core issues remained more-or-less constant but with evolving manifestations. Also, rise of BJP, state sovereignty issues, Desire For Revenge (dun dun dunnnnn), National Congress Party and Sheik Abdullah and Nationalism in Kashmir, Rajiv Ganhdi, Benezir Bhutto, Zulfikar Ali Bhutto etc. etc.

I should have recapped enough key words/anchoring events/concepts by now (but I can't draw the links up here.) After 11 AM tomorrow, I'm going to go book-shopping and indulge in the veiled imperialism that is Western coffee-culture!

i'll shut my mouth for you

I know the feeling of screwing up papers (and perhaps am more familiar with it this week than I should), but everything's in God's control. I don't know why I keep forgetting this; I used encourage some friends with that, but lately everything, even walking to school, is a too-worrying stretch testing the limits of faith.

I have two papers left, but right now they feel like ultramarathons before me. The knowledge that this isn't going to be the last time is at once a huge relief and a terrible burden, and all I want to do is take a long, decade-long nap. (I slept just now, only to find myself in a claustrophobic nightmare involving an old lady with fabulous cat-eye glass, a spiritual Western hippy couple "accidently" touching me all the time, and a congregation of bizarre characters wearing pastel casualwear and feather earrings.)

They Were Burning Dead Leaves

They were burning dead leaves. Must oozed with scent,
tar bubbled and blew.
The moonlight glow behind the thistle bent
like a torn rainbow.

The street was a forest, night slid into the heart
of deepest autumn.
A guilty music blew the house apart,
with its fife and drum.

To have this again, just this, just the once more:
I would sink below
autumnal earth and place my right hand in your
hand like a shadow.


- Zsuzsa Rakovszky

coping

Lyrics:

Deathray deathray
Deathray deathray
Deathray deathray
Deathray deathray

WELCOME, FRIENDS, TO MY INTERNAL LANDSCAPES.

I'M GONNA DO OK FOR ECONS TOMORROW.

FISHSTICKS.

dear shoe

HI I LOVE YOU, I'VE JUST MET YOU BUT I LOVE YOU ALREADY.

this book is on a journey

My brother, you've been good to me
Strong, calm and bravely
Through it all, you've seen me through it all


My brother, but you never call
That's not true, you sometimes do
But mostly when you're feeling sad
It drives me mad
But I still love you
I do


Oh dear, this song brings a tear to my eye. It makes me want an abusive brother just to make the song the soundtrack to my miserable existence. But maybe not.

It's also heard in this IKEA ad. Gosh golly dang, tears. :')

it's never clock-time

the mixtape in my head:

one in three youths shop online

My father, sister and I are applying stickers to teachers' day gift bags.

Sister: These things have wreaths on them.

Me: They say "God's comfort"... ARE THESE CONDOLENCE STICKERS WE'RE USING

things to be thankful about: 3G network and iPhone tethering.

OK, am now in the middle of nowhere, and Lady Gaga is on the radio. It's 8.07 PM and we haven't had dinner yet. Also, I can smell Changi Hospital from here.

well it sure smells like sangfroid in here

Fark fark fark fark fark prelims starts next week and I'm spending thursday, friday AND — FREAKING AND — saturday in a chalet in Changi fighting for breathing space to revise  + work on IS while bearing with my lovely nieces and nephews and their one-piece bathing suits/dogs/tricycles/nintendo ds-es etc. And I really want to be an awesome uncle but kids are not my thing.

Also, sister is playing the Glee soundtrack on full volume AND I'M HOMICIDAL, I WANT TO RIP ALL THEIR THROATS OUT. I thought it would be a nice satire of the musical comedy genre but OH GROSS THEY WERE ACTUALLY TAKING THEMSELVES SERIOUSLY. (I'm preparing to be flamed a thousand times over for this.) WHATEVER, I HATE THE SHOW ON A VERY FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL.

MY LYFE SUXXXXXX; I'm going to the kitchen to down a few shots of that honey liqueur I bought in Poland, followed by a mug of Baileys, followed by amphetamines or something, because this week is not boding well. :@ :@ :@

the selby is not in my place

From top: 

i. favourite notebook

ii. THE OFFICE MUG!!!

iii. daisy glaze

iv. Creeps the gingerbread man, my companion late into the night.

v. bookshelf porn

vi. 5.55 PM

vii. cutesy

viii. now consuming:

for a fruity source of antioxidants and vitamins

STUDY LOG OF DESPERASHUN

I need to keep track of how I'm spending my time this break.

Tuesday: 3 hour history paper, simulated possible worst case scenarios (relatively unprepared, spent too much time on SBQ, not enough pens, etc. But turning up half an hour late was not part of the plan! Gah.)

Wednesday: Tried to find a place in the esplanade library to study with Esther. That failed. We went to Starbucks at Marina Square and I edited my H3 research paper. After which, we went home to veg out and watch Clueless.

Thursday: SEA history at the airport with Andrea and Serene, lunch at Thaipan when Meixi joined us, KI lesson, went home and watched Bridget Jones' Diary with Esther.

Friday: Lunch at Aston's, studied at Meixi's with Andrea and Serene, drank many cups of tea, did literature, spent more money at Kinokuniya.

Saturday: Studied with Christabel and Jeremy (met Shiyun!), did evaluative commentary for literature, studied SEA history, was accused of being a bad study buddy. (Remorse! Regret!)

Today: Revised Economics at Bishan library with Leon, Jamie and Rachelle. Failed at trying to get seats at the Bishan Study Room. Endured condescending stares of smug satisfied tweens who managed to get seats. Queuing up for the library doors to open is like waiting in line for the hypothetical opening of H&M in Singapore.

Tomorrow: Attempt to work on KI IS! Will declare tomorrow KI Day.

Wednesday: Studying with the debaters at bishan cc. NOTE TO SELF: ARRIVE EARLIER.

Thursday to Friday: Exiled to a chalet in Changi. ALL MY RELATIVES ASSOCIATE SISTER AND I WITH MUGGING AND UPWARD SOCIAL MOBILITY.

Saturday and Sunday: MYSTERIOUS

points of departure

I need to get out of this country, the city's wearing me thin.

Again, it's not like I have no desire to have a relationship with God; it's just that I no longer feel comfortable in an overbearingly communal setting that imposes all these expectations.

Also, am tired of patriarchy even though I partake in it.

I'm thankful for being more-or-less non-denominational.

If religion entails ritual, I'd hate to be religious.

I disagree with Anne Rice on most counts, but her resistance towards any form of categorisation is understandable.

The holy huddle we are caught up in is pretty much alienating.

I have realised that it's not faith if it entails dogmatically rejecting everything that runs contrary to your beliefs.

I guess I'm confused and searching for answers that might be difficult to swallow, and Thank You for your kindness and concern, but ultimately this journey is personal, and usually a good thing. Kind of like a non-issue.

back to the old house

BREAKING NEWS: I HAVE PROCURED THE MUCH-FETED CREATE-YOUR-OWN-TUMBLER TUMBLER FROM STARBUCKS! Currently, Allen Ginsberg is gracing the front of my tumbler. Tomorrow, a double rainbow. The day after, a kitten. (Maybe.) CREATIVE JUICES NOW FLOWING LIKE NEVER BEFORE. I WANT TO QUIT SCHOOL TO DO DESIGN FULL-TIME. O YEAH.

Also, I have re-united with my cat friend! This afternoon, I spotted her on the granite wall near my block and she ran to me purring/meowing/coughing/stretching AND WE ALL HAD OUR TIME IN THE SUN, which by the way, WAS CRAZY-HOT. ANYWAY, THE WINTER IN MY HEART HAS THAWED AND GIVEN WAY TO SPRING. <3 LOVES. CATS ARE WONDERFUL FRIENDS, YOU SHOULD ALL MAKE FRIENDS WITH ONE NOW. <3 <3 <3 SHE HAS A VERY FLUFFY BELLY. <3 <3 <3

Additionally, the teachers' day tea thingum was much fun! We had an overabundant spread of fruits, green tea loaves, dainty ham, potato and cucumber sandwiches, white chocolate rounds, and raspberry jam biscuits. (On the other hand, there were nacho chips involved, but such an accommodation was necessary.)