also-ran

So anyway I've been vacillating from abject despair to jocular carefree abandon today. Thanks for the kind words. I left school early, had a mocha latte at Café Galilee (fetid) while reading the essay Regarding the Torture of Others and yearning, desperately, to die young. Had Ben and Jerry's for lunch (it was execrable). Then I read some Barthes, accidently fell asleep, and went to visit my grandfather. He can't speak properly, and tried gesturing, but the tubes held him back. He has also forgotten how to spell. I shall read him the papers tomorrow when I visit, and then have lunch at Popeye's, crying into the mashed potato and Southern chili. (Not.) Soon he will forget his son, his grandchildren, his wife, his name... and then the world will become an extension of the self, which will dissolve into the world, which will be reduced to the sepia-spotted photographs, which I will touch, but find that the past's smiling communique in Konica colour is empty, lonely, desperate.