gloom-coated tuesday

Warning: the following is a rant. Please, do yourself a favour and skip it.

This sucks. Not only have I missed the deadline for IP form submissions, so many people I know are applying as well. But do I really want to be an IP student and wear cool IP clothing because I think I'm way too mature for secondary school, or do I really want to study more than what I'm doing now? I remember being Sec 1 and hearing about the NJC IP program. Then a year later I see their adverts dangling beckoningly on the railings of bus 55. And then I hear about the VJC one. And the TJC one. And soon as I told my parents about IP, I'd started to realize I couldn't just leave now. It wouldn't be considerate, and furthermore, I'm more committed to the various stuff I'm in such as choir and debate, than just leaving the ends untied and fraying. Although, sometimes I just see those as excuses for not daring to go all out and experience new channels of learning, and of procrastinating and of being so undecided about where I was going.

But still, it's all stupid how I have to pretend to join in my friends' happiness when inside I'm struggling not to stop breathing. It's so hypocritical of me. It's as if I've just joined the swarms of teens who have given up and perhaps, even find delight in putting on a stupid mask. Stupid, supressive masks. It's so cliché.

Applying for IP somehow paralleled me as a Primary 6er applying for DSA. Really, I could have made up my mind and go for it but of course, I just HAD to wait and rethink and analyse my decisions, wondering whether it was just on an impulse based on superficial ideas, or my calling, and being further supressed by relatives stricken with anxiety over having to skip Os to take A levels. And the worst part is? I don't have anyone who will ever understand me enough to empathize with me.