Saturday, February 13, 2010

Gulp. Timothy McSweeney (whom the website by Dave Eggers was named after) passed away last week.

(from http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2010/2/5mcsweeneys.html)

THE REAL TIMOTHY MCSWEENEY.

- - - -

Back in 1998, for a journal I was planning to put out, I started collecting fiction, essays and experiments that couldn't find a publisher elsewhere. Because the journal consisted of work that didn't fit in mainstream publishing, I decided to name the journal Timothy McSweeney's Quarterly Concern.

Here's why:

My mother's maiden name was McSweeney. She grew up in Milton, Massachusetts, one of five children, the daughter of an obstetrician, Daniel McSweeney, and his wife Adelaide Mary McSweeney.

Much later, my mother married John Eggers and they moved to suburban Chicago. When I was about eight, I started getting strange mail addressed to both me and my mother. These were usually notes written on pamphlets and other sorts of mail that required no postage. The messages were confusing, but generally seemed to be written by a man named Timothy McSweeney, who thought he was related to my mother, and who was hoping to visit soon. Sometimes Timothy would include train schedules and other plans. Sometimes they included drawings and diagrams. Usually the letters had a sense of urgency, as if after many years of searching for his relatives, he had found my mother and me, and wanted to reconnect as soon as possible.

I was intrigued by the letters so much that I kept them in a drawer in my room, wondering if Timothy was actually related to us. My mother dismissed the letters as those of a confused or disturbed man who she had never met. When a new letter would arrive, she would hand it to me, usually without reading it. I would pore over it for clues, and then would add it to the stack.

We didn't know if he was real—if there was a real person named Timothy—but in any case the name Timothy McSweeney came to hold an aura of mystery. He was an enigma, a man looking for a home, producing writing that was cryptic and full of longing.

So many years later, when I was conceiving a name for this literary journal, the name Timothy McSweeney's Quarterly Concern occurred to me. It made sense on many levels. I was able to honor my Irish side of the family and also allude to this mysterious man and the sense of possibility and even wonder he'd brought to our suburban home.

A few years after the quarterly began, we took on an intern named Ross McSweeney. Ross and I got to talking, and he mentioned that his family, too, was from Boston. I joked that we were probably related somehow, and he told me that he was the nephew of Timothy McSweeney. The real Timothy McSweeney.

Ross and I, with the help of Ross's father David—Timothy's brother— pieced it together. And this is probably what happened:

One day in Boston in 1943, my grandfather Daniel McSweeney delivered a baby. This baby was put up for adoption, and was adopted by another McSweeney family. He and David were raised in a loving family, and Timothy eventually went to the Massachusetts School of Art and later received an MFA from Rutgers University. After graduating, he taught studio art at Rutgers for a time.

But mental illness overtook him, and he struggled with alcoholism. He was hospitalized many times. Eventually he was put in the care of an institution for mental health, where he remained safe and received treatment. It was from this institution that he began to send letters. According to his brother David, he would search through city and state records, find names, and write to the people he found.

Presumably, he saw my grandfather's name on his birth certificate and came to think Daniel McSweeney might have been his father, not simply the delivering obstetrician. And thus he sought out the children of Daniel McSweeney.

Ross, David and I figured all this out in 2000, and it was then that they informed me that Timothy was still alive. He had remained under doctors' care all these years, and the McSweeney family visited him regularly.

Knowing that the journal bore the name of a real person who had endured years of struggle threw melancholy shadows over the enterprise. But the McSweeneys insisted that the use of the name was acceptable, even appropriate, given Timothy's background as an artist and search for connection and meaning through the written word. Since 2000 we've implicitly dedicated all issues to the real Timothy.

— Dave Eggers


Double sigh.
Now that it is decided that Bertram and I are going to do a parody of Mango Dollies with a ukulele/baby guitar/kazoo/recorder duet to accompany good bad poetry for Lit Night, I'm on a roll looking for verses so bad they make your toes curl while you laugh.

I am going to write an original poem composed out of Facebook group names. *hesitant excitement*/*excites hesitantly*

And, Happy Birthmonth to Olivia, Serene, Angeline, Lucas and everyone I know and love (because I am sufficiently inebriated from clinking wine glasses and drinking the Bad Stuff in celebration of my grandparents' official 65th wedding anniversary that I didn't know was today :( )

Friday, February 05, 2010



I really like this recording of Miserere. It's the first choral piece that I fell in love with, btw. That was in 2002; sigh, memories, memories.

K I'll be Going Green tomorrow 'round Bedok Town. Am sleepy.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

everyone loves jstor and rambling academia, la la la

WAITING FOR PEOPLE TO DO SOMETHING BUT AM, IN ACTUALITY, SCREAMING INTO A VACUUM; IT'S LIKE WAITING FOR GODOT, WTH.
P.S. TYPING IN CAPS NOT BECAUSE I FORGOT TO TURN IT OFF BUT BECAUSE INTERIORLY-SPEAKING, I'M TRYING TO REFLECT EXTREME STATES OF MIND. AND EVERYONE WANTS TO SHOW HOW AWESOME THEY ARE AND NOW IS THE TIME TO BLOODY DO IT. DON'T TRY TO RATIONALIZE IF YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR SHIT.

'k that's all I want to say. It's all that's left to say anyway.

(So yes I've been unhappy for the past week and I've been doing a lot of SELF-REFLECTION YA. Bottom line: it's not insecurity and that psychological crap, I was just pissed, pure and simple. Apparently Orientation has resurrected an ocean of grievances from last year, and this shall culminate with O Night. Fan into flame.)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

unglee

Quite possibly because I've been spending all my waking hours in school or stuck in limbo between School and Home, I'm starting to lose my sense of self. Which is funny when you wail about it to other people, but not that hilarious anymore once you try grasping all that's been happening but failing to see yourself in the midst of everything.

The thing with JC life is, it offers you horizons of knowledge so vast and boundless that you become quite agoraphobic in the whole build up. Having no place to hide, we develop tough hides on our exterior to protect our fragile ignorance.

I think it's scary to know so much when there's no time to sort out your thoughts.

Often I hypothesize that in reality I have really died after a horrific accident, but am condemned to face an eternity of dull commutes around this crummy island. This is all a garish nightmare in a bad coma; my sense percepts are just the result of faulty neurons firing indiscriminately... this fear in itself is terrifying, and so on. Infinite regression. I'm so tired right now I want to meld into the chair and excuse myself from the tedium of existence for just a bit.

God I know you're listening to me, but everything's crazy at the moment and I want to find strength in you again. Strength, or at least the motivation to keep moving on. I'm glad I'm not alone in this.

You have taken the East from me; you have taken the West from me;
you have taken what is before me and what is behind me
you have taken the moon, you have taken the sun from me
and my fear is great that you have taken God from me!

(from Donal Og, tr. Lady Gregory)

OK. Tomorrow - PE, Econs, Long break and then KI. And in-between I'll look out for the Year 1s. Am tired, so tired. So. Tired. :( Recent popular interest in Glee is not helping.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

where the wild things aren't

*clears cobwebs*
*coughs*

HI! Thought I'd never find you here. I've been absent from the interwebs for so long (a week feels like a thousand millennia at the rate information is being exchanged) that I'm trying to get used to the new Facebook layout and figuring out where Geocities went. (Hyperbole, guys!)

Anyway, the past few days have been normal. I fell ill with a throat infection which morphed into a cold, watched the Mango Dollies do their thing, borrowed valuable resources from library@esplanade (hip name yo), learnt a Chinese song and completed two lit texts in one night. I've just had chamomile tea and Lindt Mint Intense chocolate while reading about traveling in Rio de Janeiro, it's starting to rain outside, and I'm thankful that the only major grouse I have about life at the moment is that Where The Wild Things Are is not coming to Singapore (because commercial cinema is often run by thickheaded mercenaries, and GV can go wallow in the shame of all that is not beautiful - I will not deign to care).

Also, it would be severe understatement to say that I'm excited to be going to Poland and Russia in the coming months. Suddenly, there's a lot to look forward to, besides the A levels, and it makes one very motivated. (This is where you have to picture me nodding sagely.)

Can't wait to start on my IS-es, meet the choir com tomorrow, go running around Bedok and have Protected Time at Kino tomorrow! I have to utilize this explosion of enthusiasm and energy while it lasts!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010



I'm hopping onto the hipster bandwagon and deciding that Yes, I Kinda Like This Song But Primarily Because It's Cool To Like This Song.



Inside, I weep when I listen to St. Vincent. Only inside.

AND I'M GONNA BE A SCENESTER WANNABE AND CATCH HER GIG AT MOSAIC IN MARCH.

Gives me hope.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010



If this is an aesthetic experience for you, then our hearts are beating as one.

The holidays are fading back to Routine, but I am still struggling to freeze the passage of time and that is all I can desperately but furtively do. (On a yearly basis.)

I really, really enjoyed turning 18 :) I went out with friends (the festivities began as early as end-December) and yesterday, I watched Avatar in 3D with Christabel and Jeremy (after bumping into Val and Christine and Gracie) and then rushed over to Cafe Cappadocia for dinner with my family. And, my parents took me to Udders for ice cream and hot chocolate after that. Today, we had a triple birthday celebration after choir practice.

I feel so spoilt and wonderfully fortunate at the same time.

Thank you everyone! :)

Monday, January 04, 2010

dear gorby



It seems like I've gotten Awkward Birthday Melancholy a little worse than usual this year.

And because this is one of those rare super public blogs made to celebrate the human condition (no, really?), I'm currently in the mood for a near-death experience to shake me alive from despondency. Yes, I am despondent even though I mock the emotional state of despondency because it reeks of being sensitive and vulnerable. Whatever.

It's just that there's a lot going on right now and I don't know whose soul I should cry into and it sucks to have everything piling up and interweaving themselves into a stupid banner of grief because the here and now is filled with constant disappointment and and the future is already sated with the certainty of regret.

But because this is life as we know it and somehow God sees us through everything even though my mind is fogged up with concerns that will die as the years pass by, I say I'm going to enjoy tomorrow and dammit, nothing's gonna stop me. I'm hanging out with Bel and Jem at the library and then eat at a Turkish restaurant with my family so this should be an exciting day :)

Thursday, December 31, 2009

love song for 09

Midi Festival - Partie 1 from Nathanaƫl Le Scouarnec on Vimeo.



Wow, on hindsight, 2009 was a really bad year. A bad year, however, does not mean I wasted 365 days of my life stuck in the lowest throngs of the human condition. Instead, I really learnt a lot from tremendously life-siphoning mediocrities, and I'll be keeping my fingers and toes crossed hoping that next year will be a better one. Being more private about Life Things I learn, I'd rather save them for heart-to-heart talks that may or may not come my way once 2010 trots along.

And, OMG IT'S FINALLY THE LAST DAY OF 2009! ABOUT TIME, HUH?

(Pardon my short attention span, but watching the above video is stirring up a strong desire in me to ditch everything here and fly to the French Riviera.)